In the last few days, I have been frantically reading the The Naked Truth: A working woman’s manifesto on business and what really matters by Margaret Heffernan (Jory, thank you so much for the recommendation).
Even if I felt a bit skeptical before reading it, after the first few pages I was completely hooked. What Margaret was describing was exactly my corporate work experience. The enthusiasm, initial rewards, the successive disappointment, and then the eerie feeling that something is wrong, which sets in after a while and never goes away. Alice in Corporate Wonderland.
“Take some more tea,” the March Hare said to Alice, very earnestly. ‘I’ve had nothing yet,” Alice replied in an offended tone, “so I can’t take more.” “You mean you can’t take less,” said the Hatter: “it’s very easy to take more than nothing.”
For the longest time, I tried to act like women’s issues in the workplace could not affect me. After all, my father raised me as a boy. In his mind, even if I had a woman’s body–which was disappointing, unreliable, and dangerous–I still had a male mind. As old fashion as he was, he wanted for me exactly what he had for himself: he wanted me to be an engineer.
It didn’t work out that way. I ran away as far as I could as soon as I could. Maybe becoming an engineer, as my father dreamed for me, wouldn’t have been all that bad. But at that time, it felt as threatening as a lobotomy. I was craving for my identity, and I could not find myself in the image of the “ingegner Pavese” that my father was pushing on me.
Even if I’ve had my passionate feminist periods and I am deeply interested in gender discrimination in the workplace, I just assumed that being a woman would not make a difference in the asexual work environment. At least, not for me.
I was wrong. It does make a difference. And I am not even talking about how the corporate world treats me, but how I feel in my corporate job. I completely feel the pain of living in the two disconnected worlds Margaret Heffernan describes (“work” and “my life”); so much that I often feel I’m deceiving myself and my employer when every workday I put my corporate mask and costume on and go to work. I get so exhausted at the end of the day because of the added effort of being someone I am really not for so many hours every day.
I suffer the disconnection between my values and corporate values. My company is a very good one: it takes honesty and integrity seriously. It values its customer. It’s fiscally responsible. It has great benefits for its employees and doesn’t believe in periodic layoffs. But, at the same time, it’s still a large corporation and behaves like one. Its values make sense in that context and can be explained rationally, but are not mine. And yet, I have to make decisions and take actions based on them every day.
The true proof that I’m really a woman–and not a man’s mind trapped in a woman’s body–comes from the errors I’ve made and continue to make in the workplace: I take things way too personally; I constantly look for outside rewards and recognitions because I don’t feel good enough; I want others to discover my value and not making the effort of making my value impossible to ignore; I hope that somebody will hand me my perfect job and not making the effort of creating one myself; I bash myself mercilessly and then I complain that others don’t recognize how good I am. Not always, but often enough to make me restless and make it hard for me to be happy at work.
Most important of all, I push only halfway because I don’t completely believe in what I do. I care about my career, but I don’t believe in it. I have a lot of ideas about how to do my job, but I don’t always push hard to make them happen. Even if I have in me the passion and the drive, they are just not turned all the way up. I run with the brakes on, and it’s a very wasteful way to run.
Perhaps, I run with my brakes on because I am afraid of where running full speed would get me. I see how it is to be at the top and I don’t like it. I see people married to the company, with less time to dedicate to their family, their health, and their creativity. I see people aiming to the top, driven to the point of losing the ability to care and be kind to others.
Which brings me back to my father. In my twenties, I desperately wanted to be loved by him, but I rarely did what he wanted me to do. I wanted to be loved for what I was in all my young woman’s raw passion, beauty, creativity, insecurities, mistakes, and imperfections, not for the male ideal he wished I was. Now, I desperately want to be appreciated and recognized by my company for what I am, with all my raw passion, beauty, creativity, insecurities, mistakes, and imperfections, not for the corporate (male) ideal version of me that my company seems to appreciate so much.
November 8, 2005
Antonella,
This is a really wonderful piece. I relate with it so much. When I was working for a VERY big corporation, I experienced much of what you have written about. I know Jory has often written about it as well. Thanks for such a great post.
November 8, 2005
Whoa. Heavy stuff…I have a two comments.
1. Running with the breaks on at work is not wasteful, it is smart. Give yourself wildly to something else.
2. One day I mailed my father a business card so he could put it on his frig and always have my phone number at hand. He called me to say he received it and said, “I never told you this, but I am very proud of you.” I didn’t know I wanted to hear this, but I felt like I could drop dead on the spot.
With that job done, I can focus on other things that are important to me. The first 50 years I worked to please my Father, the second 50, I’ll please myself.
November 8, 2005
I’m not female, but I really relate to your experience. I think everyone stuggles with who they are and who they at times have to pretend to be in order to get a desired result.
I often have lots of ideas and interests that I would love to devote my whole day to, but I have to make money and not all my ideas would end up providing me with an incolme.
I often wonder what would happen if I just forgot about “having to make money” and just quite my job and spent my time doing things I am interested in.
Would the money really follow just because I was being true to myself and doing what I truly love? I don’t know, but I spend a lot of time thinking about it.
And I’m lucky, like you, in that I work for a good company and am doing very interesting work, but it’s still not what I would be doing if I could totally be myself.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Have you even thought about writing a book? There is a great novel in you.
November 8, 2005
As I read your description of the woman’s mindset in the workplace, it sounds like the inside of my own head. Though I’m sure the context of being female adds a great deal of weight to what you describe, and I’m sure there are plenty of things I can’t even imagine.
But still, what you describe feels so much like my own feelings. Especially at “self-appraisal” time… it feels so cheap in a way to have to sing my own praises. I have to wonder, why can’t people just see the value I bring?
Isn’t it strange, that a straigh-laced work environment brings a lot of good stuff like stability and consistency, but it bleeds so much of the nuance and texture from the people we work with. I know you so much better after reading a dozen blog entries than I ever did in the office. Partly due to my own reticence, but mainly because one never knows if it’s ok to step outside the mold. (I keep being told, in essence, to be myself, but not too much.)
Anyway, just wanted to let you know, I resonate with what you’re saying.
November 10, 2005
This post really moved me.
Throw away the mask and be who you are. You are a beautiful person and everyone that I know loves you!
If you don’t voice your opinions and your beliefs, it will eat away at you on the inside. And if the corporate world does not like them, oh well. You may end up leading a great wave of change within the company and end up being very successful.
But even it you do not, atleast you still have your values and stand by what you believe in, so you can sleep at night. If the job does not fall in line with your beliefs and values, then maybe you are not at the right job.
On the other hand… let’s focus on today now: we all struggle with decision making, having to weigh the pros and cons of all options and yes, sometimes we find out the the choice that we believe in most is not the most logical choice at the time. I think everyone struggles with wanting to “do the right thing” vs. trying to be successful in the corporate world because you just want a paycheck to put food on the table and maybe fuel your other outside passions.
It’s all about finding the right balance and level of compromise you can live with. I think is is great that you are trying to find a work-life balance that is right for you.
You are special because you truly care about the people that you manage and work with. You should be very proud of that.
I think a lot of people struggle with the same issues that you are going through.
December 1, 2005
What a terrific post. I’ve not worked in corporate environs, like you. But I can still relate to the many troubles women face in the workplace, on a daily basis!
I know what you’re going through, and I agree with what Holly said above. What you need to do, what I did, is just work at work. Do the best YOU can, but expect NOTHING from them. Find your satisfaction elsewhere (if at all possible!)
Good luck.
January 9, 2006
Excerpts from The Naked Truth: A Working Woman’s Manifesto on Business and What Really Matters, Margaret Heffernan
Start smart. Plans keep your career moving on your terms—not anyone
else’s.
Pay, promotion, recognition all depend on tactics like journaling,
reinforcing each other at meetings, teaching ourselves to negotiate, and
underlin…
February 5, 2006
For anyone that is interested, there was a book published last year entitled “Alice in Corporate Wonderland.” While it certainly doesn’t address all the things you have brought up here, you might find it intersted. Sorry if this seems like a commercial, but I knew of no other way to tell you that it existed. More information is on http://www.aliceincorporatewonderland.com
April 1, 2006
Antonella,
Wow……now you’ve got me crying….but thanks…nice to hear other stories like yours – I heard that NPR story, by the way, too! It was touching. And aren’t we lucky that our tears can touch and soften our sometimes seemingly estranged souls?
Oddly, I found your blog after putting in a “Google Alert,” for Corporate Art. And you’re piece on Alice in Corporate Wonderland came up.
I have finally made the jump – about six weeks ago – there was a last straw and I’d wondered what that straw would finally be before I’d quite. Now I must simply believe because it was a major LEAP in faith that I had to make for my own dignity. A move that most would seriously question – say hmmmm. I’m now 61 years old – and determined to create a career in Art Photography that will provide for me in my even later years – Now most would say ART – “OMG that is absurd!” If it works – and I MUST believe it will – then it’s a good storyline. So, I hope anyone thinking absurd – is dead wrong. I do know that every single morning NOW I have to work hard at turning my thinking and fears around and remind myself – that I have made up my mind to succeed – it’s not easy but women often have the strength of Job or perhaps like Persephone – dragged to the underground against her will – rendered invisible – she unwilling to eat what was presented to her – knowing she would have to one day escape! And she did. I did. And I don’t want to go back….
….so I have to think smart – I’ve split the idea up into two categories – Art for the collector and Corporate art. It you’ve learned anything about that – please let me know….and thanks so much for this wonderful blog….
j. Madison Rink
http://www.RinkArte.com
April 22, 2006
Hello Antonella,
After much searching on the web to see if there was ANY OTHER WOMAN in the world with some common challenges as what my own have been in the corporate world, I finally found this post. (…and not much else on the web addressing this subject – surprising!)
While I have expressed my “corporate experience” in more humorous (and sometimes profane) terms :), I very much empathize with the myriad emotions you shared here. In fact, what you describe was exactly my impetus for starting my own blog on the subject.
I resonated particularly with the paragraph you wrote that states:
The true proof that I’m really a woman–rather than a man’s mind trapped in a woman’s body–comes from the errors I’ve made and continue to make in the workplace: I take things way too personally; I constantly look for outside rewards and recognitions because I don’t feel good enough; I want others to discover my value rather than making the effort of making my value impossible to ignore; I hope that somebody will hand me my perfect job rather than making the effort of creating one myself…
What I find most striking- at least for me- is the dynamic suggested in the final sentence “…rather than making the effort…”. What I think is much MISSED in all our various attempts at overcoming the challenge of being a “womyn in mans world” – is that it is not so much we need to make MORE effort or even DIFFERENT effort – or even that we “made mistakes”. No. I disagree – what mistake did you make? The mistake of being human? Of CARING about others? Not a mistake but also not “the executive way” either as we both know.
The whole concept of Corporate America is built upon the premise of an assumed patriarchal dominance. End of story. This is a truth. What “woman” was running a big huge multi-million dollar corporation in the 50’s for example? None. Not really – not with the majority vote and not without a man heavily involved. And even today, how many women hold CEO/CFO or other equally high level positions? The only women at such levels I have heard of, all soon lost their respective jobs —- to men. Slim pickings…
I feel because of this dynamic, a massive amount of “over compensation” has become the standard for us “women”, when it has NEVER been the standard for men. We both know the stupidest man on the planet- if he is a “good ‘ol boy” (aka: company man) – can “get your job”. I am not saying we should just accept the “bad news” here- but I am saying it is equally important to look at the playing field or rather, “sand box” as it were, of the corporate structure itself.
I know this is a long comment but your post here was a beautiful, honest and sincere writing; I very much relate to it. I just feel we need to stop using the “measure handed to us” ie: YOU Woman Must Change To Meet the Standard. I feel we undermine ourselves even more by not recognizing the real problem is not “women” but “the measure” that is always the performance comparison to A MAN or a woman that can “play the game like A MAN”.
My mantra is: I am a woman, I will always be a woman. I have no other measure.
PS: To J. Madison Rink- YOU GO GIRLLL!
April 25, 2006
[…] Then in business, Antonelle Pavese is writing about Alice’s Corporate Wonderland. You just can’t pretend the “woman question” isn’t there. […]
April 29, 2006
Antonella,
Thinking of you and wondering how you’re doing a month later – given your original share on the “Corporate” days? Will you share your heart and thoughts again, I hope Your truth touched our hearts and I surely heard your passionate yearning to be free – whatever form it might take.
I’m here to affirm again – it pays to follow our hearts and trust in it’s lead.
As you know, I wrote above – but feel I must report….I’m personally doing quite well so far…that seems the key – and just today…after two months now I can say….yep….this journey is a real kicker….but oh, the joy of feeling alive and a part of the mystery ride! And as you said, (that’s it) more and more connected to myself and my “Self!”
My best thoughts for you..
j. Madison Rink
http://www.RinkArte.com
September 4, 2006
If your job bothers you so much and you just don’t like where you are but don’t like going up either, then you should just change jobs to something you really do like. You don’t want to do something you don’t like for the rest of your life. After all, most of your life you spend it at the work place and if you’re always tired when you leave you’ll have little or no time to do anything else you like before it’s time to go back to work. I’m sure that when you’re old and retired (hopefully::fingers crossed::) you don’t want to look back on your life and see nothing but a job you don’t like. You’re obviously not happy and completly disatified so why stay? Find something you love, something you really, really believe in. Make goals, write them down no matter how impossible it seems and put them somewhere where you can see them every day. Whatever it is you want to do, and follow up on them. You don’t like your job? Well, your job as I’m sure you know is a big part of your life and if you don’t like it it’s almost as if you didn’t like your life, so why not change it? You can change it into just about anything else you want. I can’t say that it’ll always be easy but it’s much better than living an unsatisfied life which you might come to regret later on in life. Please realise you can change things and follow through. You don’t have to live this way if you’re not happy.
P.S. Please realize you’re not powerless and can change your life to whatever it is you want.